Codex_燕然未归

The rain was pouring.

I could feel the blood running out from the wound on my rib side and dripping down with rain water. Exhausted, in pain, I climbed to the familiar roof. Neither smashing nor knocking worked, the gate to the yard was locked.

Malik. I yelled, barely, for there was no strength in me and my voice clogged in my throat. No one answered, even though the light of candle exposed his presence.

Malik...

The endless darkness embraced me.

I opened my eyes to find out it was a dream. The man who I called his name was standing right next to me, looking down with an indifferent gaze ——at least that what I feel about it.

Is it truly impossible for my dream to come true? I doubt it.

I have to admit that I deserve it. Every lost of him was cause by me, every pain in his life was brought by me. My arrogance, my ignorance, my carelessness. He has every fine reason to hate me.

My apologize is always resisted, not by him, but mostly by myself. Entanglement evolved into misunderstanding, which eventually result in fight. It is like holding a dagger of both sides, defending my own sense of self-respect as while hurting him more.

That is the wound that no mere pale sentences can fix.

“I didn’t know that you take pleasure in being hurt.” His voice hardened by sarcasm.

“I didn’t know that you do not take pleasure in hurting me.” I shrugged.

Those words came out from me froze him to the spot, very strangely. I was expecting for some derision just as usual. However, there wasn’t any. Without a word, he turned and walked away.

That was when I realized that I might have hurt him but I chose silence instead of explanation.

I wonder if we can open the gate between us.

雨在下。

我能感到血液从肋侧的伤口流出来，混合着雨水滴落。精疲力竭地，痛苦地，我爬上熟悉的屋顶。敲和砸都无济于事，通向庭院的门是锁着的。

马利克。我喊，但我没有力气，声音也被滞涩在喉咙里。没有人回应，即使蜡烛的光芒暴露了他的存在。

马利克…

无尽的黑暗拥抱了我。

睁开眼睛，我发现这是个梦。在梦里被我喊名字的那个男人正站在我旁边，居高临下地看下来，眼神冷漠——至少我是这么觉得的。

我的梦真的没有可能成真吗？我怀疑这一点。

我不得不承认自己活该被那么对待。他的每一次失去都是因为我，他人生中的每一个痛苦都是由我带来。我的傲慢，我的无知，我的轻浮。他有很好的理由去恨我。

我的道歉总是被拒绝，不是被他，是被我自己。纠葛化作误解，最终演变为争吵。就像是持着一柄双面的匕首，在守护自己自尊的同时也在狠狠将他伤害。

那些伤口，不是苍白的语言可以治愈的。

“我不知道你还有受虐的嗜好。”他的声音被讽刺所硬化。

“我不知道你看见我被虐不高兴。”我耸肩。

十分奇怪地，我的话语似乎把他定在了原地。我以为随之而来的是更多的嘲讽，就像往常一样。然而，什么都没有。一言不发地，他转身走开了。

我这才意识到我可能真的伤害到了他，但是我没有选择解释，只是沉默。

我不知道我们能否打开彼此之间的那扇门。

THE END


（唔，这篇是我先写的英文再翻译的中文…本来打算只放中文版的但觉得看英文版更带感一点，因为翻译腔什么的实在是太毁气氛啦x）